


Not Tonight

by choimineul



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Hwang Minhyun Is Whipped, I crie, Jaehwan is all of us, Jaehwan is scared, M/M, Mentioned Wanna One Ensemble, Minhyun is not perfect, Trigger Warning: Disbandment, but COMFORT, but yeah too much angst, comfort for Jaehwan and for us MinHwan shippers, happy ending (because i can never write sad ones), happy ending becasue I cannot deny MinHwan that, happy ending because we all deserve it, istg i don't mean to remind us all, wait no Hwang Minhyun IS perfect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-06 15:55:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17348144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/choimineul/pseuds/choimineul
Summary: "I'm sure you've noticed and I'm sorry I've been handling my fears and worries like a jerk but I swear I'm trying my best to condition myself for it all. The disbandment, having to move out, and the conclusion of.." Jaehwan waved a hand between them and chose his next words carefully. "The conclusion of this. Us." Or if there should even be one, Jaehwan thought. But he neither wanted to presume nor risk pressuring Minhyun with his words.also, that fic where established MinHwan figures out where Wanna One's disbandment leaves them





	Not Tonight

Something was bothering Jaehwan.

And Minhyun was quite sure that if it wasn't the "implications" of their disbandment, then it was probably something that someone in the group, must have said or did that caused his boyfriend to be so distant.

It was the wee hours of the morning of January 1, 2019 and Minhyun was in front of Jaehwan's bedroom door. He knew he had to talk to the younger since the two eldest—Jisung & Sungwoon—had convinced him into doing it after Jaehwan did not so much as speak a word to anyone after getting back to their dorm from 2018 MBC Gayo Daejun.

Everyone had their mouths hanging semi-open as Jaehwan hurriedly alighted their van and was the first one to enter their dorm. He removed his shoes, his coat, washed up quickly in the restroom, and retreated to his own room before anyone could even ask him what was up or ask why he was so flighty. And although it wouldn't be reaching to say they were reading too much into things, that has never happened before. Jaehwan never acted this way before. Not even when he’s not on okay terms with any of the members.

Jisung & Sungwoon, being some of the closest to Jaehwan, knew that if something was weighing on Jaehwan's mind or if something (or someone) made him upset, Minhyun would be the first person he'll either confide in or listen to. And they would be correct.

Minhyun was suddenly relieved that Wanna One—including Jaehwan and himself—had these last few weeks together in this dorm, since they didn't have to move out until after their final concert. He thought about how it would be eternities harder to fix stuff like this if they lived in different dorms.

And now to face the matter at hand.

Minhyun squared his shoulders, and turned the doorknob without knocking because yes, he has sneaked into Jaehwan's room in the middle of the night far too many times before to have to knock.

"Jaehwanie?" Minhyun whispered in the dark.

The bedside lamp lit up and he saw Jaehwan sitting up on the bed, his mop of hair messy, and his eyes puffy. "Minhyun hyung?"

"Yeah," Minhyun said, padding barefooted over to the left side of Jaehwan's bed where he sat. "You were already asleep?"

Jaehwan frowned. "Not really," he said, massaging the back of his neck, and avoiding looking his boyfriend in the eyes. "Did you need anything, hyung?"

The question hung in the air for a moment; the silence thick.

It was Minhyun's turn to frown and he tried for it to not show on his face although he was pretty sure he failed at that.

Usually, Jaehwan would automatically retreat further to one side of the bed once Minhyun makes his presence known, to make room for the older. But not tonight, it seems.

An uncomfortable weight settled in the pit of Minhyun’s stomach but he schooled his features, cleared his throat and reminded himself that he will not push Jaehwan to talk about whatever it was that was bothering him. "I just wanted to make sure you're okay," he said softly, gently picking at the lint on Jaehwan's mattress. "You seemed upset about something earlier so, uh, the hyungs asked me to check on you. Seongwu and Daniel were worried, too."

"I'm totally fine, hyung," Jaehwan said too quickly, and with a tone he sadly knew Minhyun would not believe one bit.

But the younger has already convinced himself earlier that he wasn’t going to get emotional over this, and that he’ll try to keep his fear and worries to himself because some battles you just have to fight alone. But obviously, that didn’t work because here was the subject of his worries, inside his room, obviously contemplating whether to give Jaehwan some comfort or some space.

Truth be told, neither did Jaehwan himself know what he needed more at that exact moment but damn if the worried lines on Minhyun’s forehead didn’t tug on Jaehwan’s heartstrings, making him feel more vulnerable than he wanted to.

Jaehwan’s original plan was to wrestle his worries into submission. He resolved that he wasn’t going to force Minhyun to make a decision about the two of them now, or ever. He didn’t want to pressure his boyfriend into doing or saying things or worse, making decisions that would be born out of nothing but pity; all because Jaehwan couldn’t hide his emotions well enough.

Jaehwan knew that he would have “the talk” with Minhyun sooner or later, when they’re both ready. If they ever will be. But for now, he will let the ball roll wherever it should.

And that scared the shit out of Jaehwan.

So he cleared his throat, and tried to sound more convincing this time around. "That's really nice of you all and thanks for asking but really, I'm okay—"

"No, you're not," Minhyun cut him off softly, holding the younger's gaze with intensity and communicating with his eyes that they knew each other too well for secrets. And that he was ready to listen…or back off. Whichever Jaehwan needed or wanted.

Jaehwan fought to stare back when inside, he just wanted to break down crying and ask Minhyun the difficult questions inside his head. But he promised himself that he wouldn’t. He mustn’t. So he swallowed hard instead, and blinked rapidly to hide the remaining moisture in his eyes but he wasn't quick enough.

"You've just been crying," Minhyun observed, as he lifted his right hand to Jaehwan's cheek.

The younger breathed in once. Twice. A warmth spread from his chest and outwards to the rest of his body as he waited for two heartbeats. Two more deep breaths. He was not going to break down. Not in front of Minhyun. Not tonight. Please.

But he couldn’t resist leaning into the warmth of the older's palm with his eyes now closed either, which was to Minhyun’s relief.

The two stayed that way for a few moments, with Minhyun soothingly rubbing his thumb back and forth on Jaehwan’s cheek even as the older felt so helpless himself. A quiet & silent Jaehwan always had the power to send prickles of concern to his heart and he didn't know how else to be of help to the hyungs with trying to find out what's going on, while at the same time being of comfort to Jaehwan.

Neither of them knew how long Minhyun has been holding Jaehwan's cheek when the former felt his thumb catching a lone wet tear, and he realized Jaehwan was now silently crying with eyes closed.

The younger loosely wrapped his fingers around Minhyun's right wrist as his silent sniffs were the only sound you can hear in the room. Tears escaped his closed eyes one by one, with his lips curled downwards at the corners.

Minhyun couldn't bare the sight of his boyfriend looking so sad & hurt as half the younger's face was illuminated by the light from the bedside lamp. "Jaehwanie," the older cooed softly, drawing Jaehwan in his arms.

The younger immediately wrapped his arms around Minhyun's waist and proceeded to bury his face on the older's shoulder muffling the sound of his sobs. So much for trying to be strong and not getting emotional.

"I'm right here," Minhyun assured Jaehwan, holding the younger's head to his shoulder as his other hand moved over Jaehwan's upper back in soothing circular motions. "I swear I'm not going anyw—"

"Don't, hyung," he heard Jaehwan beg, voice muffled by the fabric of his own shirt. "This is not what I want to hear. Promises aren't what I need. Not tonight, please." Fingers dug & clawed gently on Minhyun's lower back.

Minhyun, at first, wondered what Jaehwan was so shook about because sadly, he wasn't the perfect man the media kept on portraying him to be. And right now, he despised that fact. Maybe the perfect & ideal man wouldn't have to guess & have a hard time figuring out what his boyfriend was so clearly upset about.

But because he prided himself in knowing Jaehwan the best among the members, and since the same matter has been weighing on the other members’ mind also including himself, it took only a second more of rummaging his brain before Minhyun came to a possible culprit. The contract. The disbandment.

He was almost certain that it was one of the things troubling Jaehwan's pretty little mind, but it doesn't seem to be just that also. Minhyun thought there must be more, if Jaehwan’s heart-wrenching sobs were anything to go by.

He nudged with his shoulder to urge Jaehwan to lift his head up. When the younger complied, Minhyun waited for his boyfriend to look at him the before telling him the next few words which he intentionally laced with so much weight & promise. "Kim Jaehwan, I really am not going anywhere."

He hoped it got through to Jaehwan because heaven knows Minhyun couldn't explicitly put into words what he meant: The contract may have ended; the final goodbye may be upon the group Wanna One; but that doesn't have to also mean the end and goodbye for them two.

At hearing Minhyun's words, Jaehwan's face crumpled into such a hurt expression that Minhyun himself wanted to cry. He wouldn't know what to do and how to make it better for Jaehwan if he didn't know for sure what was going on in the younger's head.

"Talk to me, please. Did I or anyone do something? Say something that made you upset? Is it the…Is it the disbandment?" Minhyun's voice sort of cracked at that last question. He desperately just wanted the confirmation to come from Jaehwan himself.

But only a sob escaped Jaehwan's lips, before he surged forward to wrap his arms around Minhyun again, burying his face on the older's neck. "I'm just really sad, is all," Jaehwan said in between sobs.

A big fat lie. And both of them knew this.

Minhyun did not believe his boyfriend's words one bit but still drew the younger closer, hugging him tighter and maneuvering their bodies so that he was half-lying on the bed, half-resting against the headboard with Jaehwan still in his arms.

"You really don't want to talk about it?" he asked once again to be sure, fondly caressing the back of Jaehwan's head, before proceeding to plant a soft kiss on top of the younger's head.

Jaehwan just buried his face on Minhyun's neck and shook his head as his sobs subsided. Albeit the tears kept falling, (Minhyun felt them wetting his neck), Jaehwan seemed calmer.

They fell asleep just like that, Jaehwan lying half on top of Minhyun, and Minhyun wondering how to get Jaehwan to open up to him.

Minhyun woke up spooning a still sleeping Jaehwan in his arms. He inched closer so that the length of his torso was pressed against the length of Jaehwan's back. He drew Jaehwan more snugly into his embrace with an arm slung over Jaehwan's stomach.

He felt the younger's slow & even breathing as he let the tip of his nose travel up the back of Jaehwan's neck.

Slowly, he also became conscious of the burden to make sure Jaehwan was alright that was still seated heavily inside his chest. He needed Jaehwan to be honest to him, now more than any other time. By next month, they wouldn't have this kind of luxuries anymore; falling asleep in the same bed, with Jaehwan falling asleep in his arms. So Minhyun wanted their remaining time spent well. Just like this. And not wasted on trying to figure each other's thoughts out.

"Happy New Year," he whispered. He propped himself up on the arm that wasn't around Jaehwan to plant a soft kiss on the younger's cheek.

Slowly, with the beauty, gracefulness, and subtlety that Minhyun could only compare to that of the sun creeping up the horizon or a rosebud unfurling to blossom, Jaehwan slowly and slightly came to and turned so that he was facing Minhyun. "Minhyun hyung," he muttered with eyes still closed as he felt Minhyun pull him closer. "You're still here," Jaehwan sighed, contentment evident on his face as he rested a hand over Minhyun's chest and promptly fell back to sleep.

Minhyun watched Jaehwan sleep. He engraved each detail in his memory, saving it for later. Jaehwan's soft cheeks, his nose, his lips, and those long eyelashes that rested prettily on Jaehwan's cheeks when his eyes are closed like this. He'll miss waking up to this view. He'll miss sneaking into his room late at night. He'll miss Jaehwan's smaller and softer body pressed against his. He'll miss those arms snaking around him in their sleep.

These thoughts made Minhyun so emotional & sentimental, that tears started to blur his vision of Jaehwan. He quickly blinked them away and before he knew it, his hand was on Jaehwan's cheek and he was ducking to press a sweet kiss on Jaehwan's lips.

"I miss you already," he whispered as he marveled at the beauty he was beholding. He was overwhelmed at how ethereal Jaehwan looked in his sleep; at how precious these last few moments are; at how much he'll miss just being with Jaehwan like this.

He didn't realize he fell back into sleep until he was woken up by the lightest sensation of someone ghosting their fingertips over his eyes, then down to his nose, then down to his lips. Over and over again.

He puckered his lips just as Jaehwan reached his lips, effectively kissing the younger's fingertips.

A small gasp escaped Jaehwan before a giggle bubbled in both their throats.

"Happy New Year, hyung," Jaehwan said, reaching up to place a quick kiss on Minhyun's cheek. "I didn't realize you were awake."

Minhyun hummed in delight, moving to rub a hand up and down Jaehwan's arm. He looked down at Jaehwan whose head was pillowed by his arm and teased, "And I didn't realize the effect my looks still have on you. Well, until I woke up to you marveling at the beauty that was me."

Jaehwan scoffed playfully, then put a hand on Minhyun's chest and pushed himself up so he was seated on the bed. "Right. The ever humble and never conceited Emperor Hwang," he muttered jokingly.

Minhyun didn't retort with another playful remark. Instead, he watched a cute Jaehwan trying to get his bearings, getting ready to get up from bed.

He reached up to hold Jaehwan's arm gently and when the younger looked at him with confusion, Minhyun asked, "Are you all better now?" He let his hand run up and down the bare skin of Jaehwan's again.

The younger visibly swallowed, plastered the fakest smile Minhyun has ever seen on him and answered, "Yes, hyung. I'm sorry about last night's drama." And with that, Jaehwan was out of the room—his room—in record time, leaving Minhyun with the realization that all was not really well yet.

=====

The boys had nothing scheduled for that day so most of them welcomed the first day of the year with their families. That included Jaehwan & Minhyun.

By late afternoon, however, Minhyun went to his old dorm which the Nu'est members still shared up to this day. But as much as he wanted to make light the mood of the day which was supposed to be of celebrating new beginnings, he honestly couldn't stop worrying about Jaehwan.

Jonghyun was, of course, quick to notice & pick up on this.

"How is everyone? How are you all coping?" Nu'est leader's asked as he and Minhyun lounged at the Nu'est dorm's living area. The unspoken topic being Wanna One's disbandment.

Minhyun looked up from his phone which he checked for a message from Jaehwan that wasn't there. He wanted to talk to his closest friend about this rocky patch Jaehwan and him seemed to be in, but he didn't know where and how to start. Hell, Minhyun himself doesn't know exactly what's happening.

But he answered, "We're all trying hard to be optimistic about it. We used to avoid talking about it, but there's no skirting around that topic now. Especially since schedules for moving out will start by next week. By end of January, the agency is expecting to have our dorm emptied, and I'm moving back in here."

"And you and Jaehwan?" Jonghyun asked gently, but straight to the point, getting ready to gauge every verbal and non-verbal response from Minhyun.

He knew how happy Minhyun would be to be back in the Nu'est dorm but he also knew how much his younger member valued Kim Jaehwan.

Minhyun sighed and held his friend's eye for longer than necessary. "I'm that obvious, huh?"

The older just shrugged. "I've known you for years," Jonghyun simply said, getting the confirmation he wanted.

Minhyun bitterly chuckled, then sighed. "He's going through something. But he doesn't want to talk about it with me and I can't help him if he doesn't."

"He's not taking it well, maybe?"

Minhyun ran a hand through his hair. "Yeah, well, he's an only child so going back to living alone or with only his parents might be too quick and too huge a change for him after having lived with ten other guys. And he's been vocal about his worries over the disbandment. Even on-cam."

"I know," Jonghyun quipped sympathetically, "I watched your last interview with that Korean Unnie girl."

Minhyun nodded thoughtfully, recalling how Jaehwan mentioned that he didn't want to leave their dorm, and how he wanted to live with his members forever. They were standing side by side and Minhyun had the urge to reach out and give Jaehwan's hand a reassuring squeeze when he realized that his boyfriend was more affected by the disbandment than he's letting on. If only to alleviate Jaehwan's worries. But he couldn't, since they were on-cam and because he was afraid that doing so might cause Jaehwan to become more fragile & sensitive.

His heart squeezed painfully inside his chest as he also remembered a quick exchange between Daniel and Jaehwan in that same interview. It was after Daniel mentioned that it was comforting to know that after they disband, he'll at least have friends to greet enthusiastically if they happen to be in the same show or program or event.

With a voice that sounded small & worried to Minhyun's ears, Jaehwan asked Daniel for reassurance, "Really? You would do that?"

And Daniel being the sweet & genuine puppy that he was, of course, answered & reassured Jaehwan with no second thought, that he really would. Minhyun remembered wanting also to wrap an arm around Jaehwan's shoulder to provide support & comfort but for the same reasons, he didn't earlier, he, of course, thought it better not to.

It was obvious that all of them had worries over parting ways with the other members. But among those that are really obvious and vocal about it are Jisung, Seongwu, Jihoon, and yes, Jaehwan. However, the other three seem to be coping way better, unlike Jaehwan who has turned quieter than usual. Reserved. Distant.

Minhyun was suddenly thankful that they had plans to get together tonight, all eleven of them, in their dorm. It was Sungwoon's idea. They will probably end up playing games, eating their favorite food, sharing words of encouragement or their resolutions for this coming year, and just congratulating & thanking each other for the past eighteen months they shared together as Wanna One. He'll take that as his cue to try to see again if afterwards, Jaehwan would be ready to talk about what's bothering him.

"Have you and Jaehwan talked about what your...graduation from Wanna One will mean for your relationship with each other?" Jonghyun asked, pulling Minhyun from his thoughts. "Are you two serious enough to keep the relationship minus the convenience of living together and being with each other almost all the time? Or do you two already have some unspoken agreement that whatever you two have can only last as long as your time together as Wanna One?"

Minhyun was taken aback and even slightly insulted at Jonghyun's questions. The tone and the choice of words were uncharacteristic of Nu’est’s leader. He was rearing to hurl back a retort in defense of his relationship with Jaehwan because he wasn't with Jaehwan for the convenience of it all. Jaehwan wasn't just some fling for Minhyun and he thought Jonghyun knew that.

But Jonghyun was quick to speak before Minhyun could. "God, Minhyun. Your thoughts are so loud, the neighbors could probably hear."

"What?"

"I just wanted to put things in perspective for you," Jonghyun smirked. "Have you ever considered that these are the exact thoughts Jaehwan must have?"

"Well, shit. No." Minhyun answered honestly.

Jaehwan and him has always understood each other with not much words exchanged between them; seemed to always know each others' heart and mind, but this time looked like an exemption.

There seems to be a lot to talk about between Minhyun & Jaehwan if Jonghyun's hunch was also anything to go by. A lot was on the line also. Too much was on the line for Minhyun.

A soft smile crept its way on Jonghyun's lips. "And I thought you were the Wanna One member with the most brain cells."

Minhyun only now realized how Jaehwan and himself never really had to ask each other the difficult questions or have the difficult talks. It never seemed to be an imperative. When it became clear to them that they harbored mutual feelings for each other, and that it was more than just attraction, they didn't have to have the talk and just naturally fell into acting like boyfriends. The members seemed to get it also. Jaehwan & Minhyun never had to officially announce that they were together to the other nine.

Minhyun discovered how he's always played it safe. He's always had it easy. Never had to confront Jaehwan. Never had to confront his own feelings and put them into words. But not tonight.

Maybe Jonghyun was right. Maybe what Jaehwan needed was for Minhyun to lay all his cards on the table so that the younger could lay all his hidden & unspoken worries aside.

He looked at Jonghyun who seemed to have a halo of light surrounding him. "You really are an angel," Minhyun blurted out jokingly, referencing the nickname some fans have given Nu'est's leader. The cool tone in his voice did not give away any of the nervousness & anxiety he had inside at the thought of what he had to do tonight.

=====

Minhyun sneaked more than a few glances at Jaehwan's direction during their time together with the other nine members. Jaehwan was not a party pooper and despite the glimmer of sadness that was still in his eyes, Minhyun witnessed how the younger tried to have as much fun with the members that night as well.

The adults, of course, drank some soju but Minhyun guessed that because all of them wanted to treasure as much memories as they could from this night, everyone stayed sober.

It was almost 3:00am when they decided to clean up, wash up, and retreat to their own rooms.

Minhyun made himself comfortable inside Jaehwan's room while the latter was in the shower. He made sure to wash up before Jaehwan did, so that he will have a bit of time to rehearse and go over what he wanted to say and ask his boyfriend.

Jaehwan was all ready for bed, drying his hair with a towel when he entered and saw Minhyun standing in the middle of the room. He closed and locked the doors behind him slowly without saying a word because by the look on the older's face, the younger knew for certain that he could no longer put off having to tell Minhyun what exactly it was that was bothering him. A part of him also knew he owed his boyfriend honesty & transparency.

Jaehwan remembered how he was but a boy who enjoyed singing when he joined Produce 101. He wasn't looking for friends or connection but being in the debuting group Wanna One gave him both of those, and more. It gave him Minhyun. The love of his life.

He didn't expect to like and fall in love with his Minhyun hyung who has always trusted him to do well. Who has always seen his potential. Who has always looked after him. But he did. Fall hard he did.

He really loved Minhyun so much. And that was the problem. Not because Minhyun did not reciprocate his feelings—Jaehwan was quite aware and confident that he did. But because he wasn't sure if this love was strong enough to keep them together even when Wanna One is no more, and even after they move out their dorms. And if it wasn’t, he couldn’t imagine a life without Hwang Minhyun.

How ever the night ends, Jaehwan also knew he needed to be strong from this point forwards because he'll only either lose Minhyun or need to start mentally & emotionally preparing himself to sustain a relationship with Minhyun despite different dorms, different schedules, etc.

They just stood frozen in their places staring at each other and trying to read each other's moods for a few heartbeats before Minhyun spread out his arm with a side-smile that he hoped hid his nervousness, inviting Jaehwan to step in his embrace for a hug.

The younger padded towards his boyfriend with small & unsure steps, flinging aside the damp hand towel he used to dry his hair with. When he has closed the distance between them, he reached up to wind his arms around Minhyun's neck instead of his waist.

The older received the hug gaily, wrapping his arms around Jaehwan's waist tightly, humming low in his throat because being in each other's embrace felt too right.

"We need to talk," Minhyun said as he rocked back and forth on his heels with Jaehwan still in his arms. He felt Jaehwan suck in a huge amount of air before sighing, "I know."

They loosened their arms around each other, but stayed in each other's embrace, almost nose to nose just breathing in the scent, and taking in the warmth of each other.

"I'm scared, Minhyun hyung," Jaehwan spoke up first, not looking at Minhyun.

"Of what?"

"Of losing you," Jaehwan admitted with a sigh. He sounded so needy and so clingy to his own ears and he didn't want to imagine how he sounded to Minhyun's ears.

"You think you're the only one? I'm scared of losing you, too," Minhyun confessed, playfully flicking Jaehwan's nose with his fingers.

He hoped it would lighten the mood and make Jaehwan show that beautiful smile of his that revealed the wrinkles in the corners of his eyes and the fullness in his cheeks. But to no avail.

Jaehwan let his arms fall to his sides which prompted Minhyun to do the same. The younger stepped away, wringing his hands together, still avoiding Minhyun's gaze.

"I'm sure you've noticed and I'm sorry I've been handling my fears and worries like a jerk but I swear I'm trying my best to condition myself for it all. The disbandment, having to move out, and the conclusion of.." Jaehwan waved a hand between them and chose his next words carefully. "The conclusion of this. Us." Or if there should even be one, Jaehwan thought. But he neither wanted to presume nor risk pressuring Minhyun with his words.

The older hung his head at hearing this. Things seemed more complicated now because he wasn't sure if Jaehwan meant to say that he wanted to end things between them or if Jaehwan actually just needed Minhyun to assure him that there will be no such thing; that aside from having to live in different dorms, nothing else between them should change.

Minhyun began, "I thought all along that we both knew there would be no such thing." He fought so hard not to stammer because suddenly, even he became unsure of where this was going.

"Really?" the younger squeaked and Minhyun clung onto how Jaehwan's eyes lit up at that moment. However, when he blinked, the hope that lit his boyfriend's eyes just a moment ago, was already gone.

And right at that moment, Minhyun realized that much to his torment, Jonghyun was correct. His sweet Jaehwanie has indeed filled his head with too many wrong assumptions about how their set up was going to be, and what will the implications of their disbandment be. He wanted to bang his head on the nearest wall and give himself the biggest & hardest facepalm of all time because all along, he thought that Jaehwan and him were on the same page. He has overlooked the fact that as much as Jaehwan loved to act all confident & sure of himself, that wasn't always the actual case.

Right now, Minhyun wished the ground would open up and swallow him whole. He has never felt so small and so lacking as a boyfriend, hearing Jaehwan talk down on their relationship like this, as if the younger assumed all along that he was not good enough to keep Minhyun after the disbandment.

So Minhyun added, "Even after we move out, I thought we'd stay like this... I mean, together. Unless, of course, that's not what you want?"

The older was floored at the words that left his own lips and again, his heart constricted at all the possibilities. The scary possibilities. He's never considered that _he_ might not be good enough to keep Jaehwan, until...well, until now.

Jaehwan was crazy talented, confident in his own skills, hardworking, and humble. He loved his parents and was quite a stunner in his own right especially since lately, the younger has been losing his baby cheeks all thanks to his newly-developed interest for exercising & working out.

Minhyun remembered how he selfishly hoped he never encouraged Jaehwan to start working out when results started to show. Jaehwan's jawline & cheekbones started to show, his pecs started growing, his shoulders gained width, and his tummy has gone flat complete with lines that Minhyun didn't expect to see so soon. The younger might not be showy but damn, the body beneath the modest clothes his boyfriend wear could bring anyone to their knees. Minhyun would know. In fact, he has it all memorized and branded beneath his eyelids. And Minhyun might be famous for being the perfect guy, but when it came to Jaehwan, he was selfish and was not fond of sharing.

He always had to tamp down his jealousy in music shows and award ceremonies where they would be appearing with many other idol groups and he would see both male & female idols giving Jaehwan what they thought was a subtle-enough look of appreciation.

And don't even get him started with the look of awe on everyone's faces when Jaehwan opens his mouth and starts singing. At moments like those, Minhyun just wanted to announce to the entire world that the boy with the cute face and the powerful voice was his boyfriend and was his alone. But, of course, he couldn't.

However, Minhyun has resolved earlier that tonight was going to be different. He usually had to hold himself back when it comes to Jaehwan. But not tonight.

"I had zero intentions of ending things with you, Kim Jaehwan. I love you," Minhyun said with finality. Although he was surprised at the sureness in his tone, he wasn’t the least bit surprised by the truth his words carried.

He repeated those weighty words again with equal fervor. "I love you, okay?"

"Oh," Jaehwan mused dumbly.

"Oh?"

Jaehwan's eyes started darting around and stammered, "Oh, I mean—I thought—"

"Yeah, well you thought wrong, Jaehwanie," Minhyun said with a soft smile. "Because I love you and I will beat myself up for the rest of my life for not making it clear enough to you that how I feel for you is something I am willing to prove to you for as long as you let me. So no goodbyes for us tonight, please. Not tonight. Not ever."

Jaehwan was floundering for words. These were the words he hoped to hear.

His heart felt like it was going to jump out of his chest in joy before he realized that Minhyun (just like himself) deserved this kind of assurance also. So he took a moment to collect his thoughts and tried his best to formulate a worthy reply.

"Minhyun hyung, we've exchanged these words a bajillion times before but I'll say it again," Jaehwan shakily said as he closed the distance between himself and his boyfriend. "I love you, too. So much. And it's going to be hard living away from each other, but I'm all for no more goodbyes ever." A smile slowly stretched across his face as he said those words.

Minhyun let out a huff of relief as, just like earlier, he spread his arms wide and beckoned Jaehwan to come closer with his fingers. "That sounds like a deal."

Their time together in this dorm may almost be up. But, as Jaehwan flung himself on his boyfriend’s embrace, landing with a softly whispered “Yeah, it’s a deal,” he thanked the gods that not even an uncertain future in this uncertain world could steal the certainty of this love he now knew for sure he shared with his Minhyun hyung.

Last night might have been one of anxiety, fears, and doubt and Jaehwan will give the curveball of life that. But not tonight.

Tonight was theirs.

**Author's Note:**

> i could have written this better, i know :( i wrote this in a rush, too, but i just needed to write this, mostly to comfort myself after the /redacted/, on top of this drought we MinHwan shippers are going to be in for a long time. i crie.
> 
> still, lemme know what y'all think, okay?


End file.
